~ Peace ~

Today's a strange day for me. I have a lot of peace in my heart and I'm not worried or anxious. It's strange because the girl I like told me that she needs time to think, pray and seek God and for the first time, perhaps in my life, it didn't hurt, I wasn't worried and I have peace.

I think I have peace, not because I don't like her, or I am just giving up. I have peace because I think my heart is trusting God. I know that God has a good plan, I know that God has a good wife for me, I know that I am and I will continue to grow into being a Godly man and an excellent husband.

So why do I write this, I guess I want to give thanks to God for taking away the fear that has gripped my heart so often. I want to give thanks for the good things that God is doing in both my life and my friends.

So what do I do now? I don't just wait... because 'just waiting' isn't what God wants. I enjoy this time, I enjoy being single and being able to give more time to church and God than if I was married, and I pray, and I wait patiently on God's timing.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 'God makes all things beautiful in His time'

~ Story Of Us ~

I just finished watching this old movie called 'the story of us' with Bruce Willis & Michelle Pfeiffer and I really like this as a love story. It's so much different then the usual that you watch. (mind you there are a bit of course language and one conversation that is a bit awkward) But it looks at what happens when a relationship breaks down and how these two people come to the end. But make it through.

I am not full of disillusion and I am not dreaming or holding onto the idea that things will magically get better like the movie. But I think in my heart, that I want to have this heart that fights through that doesn't give up, that loves at the best and at the worse. That believes all things, hopes all things. To have a heart where love never fails.

I went to a Bible study at my friends church this week and it was really refreshing. I haven't been to a bible study that was that refreshing in a long time. Not to say that the ones at my church are not good, just that this one touched my heart. I think I was so desperate to hear from God.

The guy sharing looked at the verse of that eyes are the light to the soul. That our eyes must focus on God in order that the whole body be in light.

I think that's what has been so wrong in the last 6 months. I was so busy trying to get people to approve of me, that I forgot about what God thought of me, and I broke the heart of those I should have place before the approval of others.

What happens now? I have no idea. I trust that God has a plan and purpose for my life. That he will bring me a good wife, not because I deserve it, but that at the centre of my heart. I know I love God. I know God can and will use my life. I know I will make an excellent husband.

I don't know why, but in the last couple of weeks, so many people have showed up in my life, just encouraging me and praying for me. All of them pointing me back to God.

I'm hurting so much right now, but yet something is making me hopeful of the future. Something is helping to believe that the visions, hopes and dreams that God has given to me in the past, will come to pass. Be led by his word, be led by his spirit, trust him with all my heart, and stop leaning on my own understanding.

God please give me clarity, give me wisdom, give me strength.

Amen.

Working through heart issues~

How do you know when God has told you to move on?

Whether it is in a job, church, friendship or something else. How does your heart say to you, now is the time to take the next step.

Is there an audible voice from heaven? Do things just magically fall into place? Do the people around you start to speak certain words.

It has been really strange. In the past couple of weeks, a lot of people have been advising me on moving. Ranging from pastors, to close friends to parents. Part of me is so excited about the possibility of a fresh start and part of me is semi petrified about starting over.

It is strange. I don't have any bitterness and I don't want to hurt anyone, but I often wonder how these things can change or end without people getting hurt. How can something end that you have so much familiarity and love for without someone getting hurt?

I'm uncertain what will happen to my friendships. I'm uncertain about the ones, especially those that I hold really dear to my heart. Will they leave, will they follow, will they ostracize me?

 God, please help me in this time, to make good decisions. Please help me not to be led by my own will, arrogance or pride, help me to seek your will, to desire you above all else.  

Hard Week

This last week has been really tough. Every time that I talk to my friend, it seems either I offend her or she offends me. I'm struggling with my leaders at church, they seem to not understand me and seem to require of me a standard I cannot reach. It's so tough and discouraging sometimes.

I had a really hard day on Saturday and then spent most of Sunday morning crying, which is unusual for me. Guess I just felt overwhelmed by it all.

I wish I could fix things. I wish I could help my family, I wish I could help my friends, I wish I could change things at church, yet it always seems to not work as I anticipate.

I heard Matt Chandler once preach that 'everything a man tries to cultivate will war against him'. That has been so true this year. Everything I have put my hand to, to try to care for and cultivate has just not gone the way I believed it should.

I was reflecting, especially on what Brendan told me. It is better now to be going through all this pain when i'm 29, than when i'm 59. I couldn't imagine how much sorrow and heart ache, stuffing up at 59 and destroying your family, ministry and life would be. 


On a side note, I really dislike sms. So much is lost in words without body language and tone and expression. I was really offended by a couple of people's texts in the last couple of days, and when I reread the conversations a couple days later I kick myself because I think 'perhaps that's not what they meant'. Yet I can't tell.

How does one remain faithful to what God has called him to do, when everything is going wrong? Do not grow weary of doing good, for in due time, you will reap the reward if you don't give up.

God please help me.

Marriage & Promises

It seems to me that there are so many articles, clips and media going around these days talking about marriage.

It is strange to me that I'm still not married. Not that I deserve to be married or that I think that I'm a good catch, but rather it is something that I have wanted to do ever since I was a little boy. When I think about my life, my goals and my desires. Do I want to be successful at my job, yes. Do I want to be in ministry for God, definitely. But I think when it comes down to what I really want to do in my life; I want to be a great husband and daddy.

I think in my heart that there is no higher calling than to love those that God has placed in your life. I would go to work to provide for my family and ministry would be a reflection of the love I have in my family.

I often don't know why I think in this way. Sometimes when I speak to other Christians or observe other people, they don't have this desire. It seems strange to me, anyone that would value something over family.

That's strange to me as well, since I really don't have the best family life. Both my adopted family and my real family is dysfunctional. I struggle at family gatherings and I struggle to forgive and move on from the hurts that my family has inflicted on me. I guess part of me wants something more and part of me is just tired of being hurt and disappointed by those who are supposed to be the closest to me.

So where am I with all of this. I think every girl wants a man that honours her, pursues her, protects her. I know that I've made mistakes and I don't really know how to change the past, but I know that I am going to get this right in my life. I know I will be a man that honours and loves a women in my life. I know I will marry one day, to someone, and I know, I will be an excellent husband by God's grace.

I want to be the man, that loves his wife for 70 years, and is faithful to her, kind, loving, protective.

God help me to wait on you. Help me to trust you. Help me to be the man you have called me to be.
Amen~

Personal Faith Statement

I believe that Jesus is the Christ, Son of the living God.

I believe that Jesus died and rose again on the 3rd day.

I believe that by faith, through grace, I can have salvation that Jesus purchased on the Cross of Calvary.

I believe that I will reign with Christ in heaven one day, where there will be no more tears, no more suffering.



I believe that God has a plan and purpose for my life.

I believe that God has gifted me.

I believe that God wants me to use those gifts to serve His Church and build His Kingdom.

I believe that my life will matter, that I will serve my purpose for my generation and that I will make an eternal impact.



I believe that God has called me to be a valiant Man.

I believe that He has called me to serve as a husband & a father.

I believe that God has called me to be the head of my household, to pray for my wife and children, to provide for their physical, spiritual and emotional needs.

I believe that God has called me to demonstrate repentance and a fruitful life with Christ, to my family and those around me.



I believe that God will give me a good wife.

I believe that she will be both beautiful outwardly, but more importantly inwardly. That her relationship with Christ, will define who she is.

I believe that she will be a good helper, one that will walk the road that God has for us, together, supporting and loving one another.

I believe that she will be patient, humble and kind. That she would demonstrate mercy and compassion to those around her.



I believe that I need to fight for what God has for me.

I believe that the devil seeks to kill steal and destroy, But JESUS comes to give us life, life abundantly.

I believe that God has given us the authority to pull down strong holds and to resist the devil.

I believe that we WIN and that the devil is in fear because he knows the day is coming. We will overcome.

Continuing The Fight

What I've noticed about myself, is that I go through these great spurts of inspiration and determination and then go into a lull.

It's been strange for me in the last couple of weeks, my prayer life has gotten better and i'm feeling stronger. Although being consistent in prayer has been tough. So many times my thoughts wander, or things seem to want to get between me and God. In particular offence.

It's strange that the smallest things seem to offend me. I find it's easy to get yelled at by someone you don't like or care about, you can brush away their comments quite quickly, but those words spoken by those people closest to you can hurt a lot.

But even then, when those people closest to you say it in love, it can be received well. Last thursday I met with one of my friends that spoke to me about how much this year and my actions has hurt him and the frustrations that he faced with me. I felt wounded, but at the same time, I felt really cared for and loved, that he was simply expressing his feelings out of love.

I am starting to appreciate the verse 'Faithful are the wounds of a friend' Proverbs 27:6

I think my biggest struggle at the moment is trying to keep my life open. I know for myself that I am prone to run when I am criticized, but I'm starting to make the effort, starting to be determined, learning to fight well.

God please keep my heart soft, that I can hear from you and receive your love.
Amen~

Boundaries

God,
How do I know when the boundaries are right. I'm not sure anyone ever likes boundaries, yet somehow they are there to protect, to guide to encourage.

How do I know when I get things right, I guess there has to be an element of peace, an element of faith, an element of trusting in God, that He will pull through, that He will guide.

 God I don't know, sometimes I try to do what's right and it still seems to backfire.

I think it's possible to love someone to the extent that doing the right thing disappoints or even hurts them

~ Praying for faith ~

Learning to Endure

I think one of the hardest things about pursuing God is learning to endure. I think in certain times of my life, I have endured very well and other times I have not to my detriment and the detriment of those around me.

One of the things I'm trying to do is be in the word daily, read books that edify my soul and to pray and connect with God.

I've started a lot of random things to try to help that. I've deleted all my games, sports programs, ebay type programs and internet on my phone, so literally all it can do now is use it as a phone and check my bank details.

I have also given my laptop to my pastor in order to ensure that I can keep my heart and purity to the best of my ability.

It is seriously hard, I have gotten quite bored at home, but luckily I can play instruments so that is taking some of my time.

I want to endure, I want to get there, I want to overcome.

It is hard because i'm getting to the stage in my prayer where I feel that I could either make this a habit or really break through and make this a connection with God. So many times i have done the first and come into a habit with prayer without really touching the heart of God. This time I want there to be a difference, this time I want there to be something that is miraculous.

God help me to endure, help me to endure for the right reasons and God help me to love you out of a pure heart.

'Do not grow weary of doing good, for in due time you will reap the reward if you do not lose heart'
Galatians 6:9

The Man I Want To Become

I think part of my blog will be to post things that touch my heart in regards to what type of man I want to be. Last weekend was my good friends wedding and it was truly beautiful. One of the most convicting and challenging things that I saw was a man that had got it right. He had kept his integrity and he had guarded the heart of his now wife.

I know in my relationships that I have not done that. I think the greatest reason for this is the fear that has gripped my heart. It's a fear that as a young man I never realised was there, but as I get older, this fear of losing out, fear of making mistakes, fear of failing has brought about incredible devastation in my life.

I want to be a man that is no longer afraid. I think the only way I can be that man is to be one found in Christ. That doesn't mean praying all the time and reading your bible, but rather, one who's identity and definition is found in the finished works of Jesus.

I almost felt a bit of despair last night, thinking that I wouldn't be able to get there with a girl in future. However my friend pointed out, that this guy who got it right, also got it majorly wrong at the start of his life. He had a marriage that broke down because of his unfaithfulness and insecurities, yet I look at him now, and I can see that God has brought about incredible change.

I guess I want to be a man that is found in God, one that is not defined by his past or his failures, but one that recognizes his deep need for a Saviour and that his identity, who he is, how he defines himself and his success, in Christ.

Starting Over

I remember this time last year. Our church camp had just past and I had preached for the first time and had done an amazing job. God’s presence was there and as a church we had our best camp. I felt like I was on top of the world. Church and ministry was going great, I was progressing in my career and I had a girl that I was interested in and it was looking like something good was going to happen.

I also remember at that time feeling pretty smug. One of my friends who was my leader was taking a break as he was working on some issues and I remember feeling proud and looking down on him. I would never have voiced it, but I thought that I was better than him in so many ways. Proverbs 16:18 says ‘Pride goes before destruction’ and although I had taught numerous times on humility I took no head of the word of God or my own words.

It is now a year later. I have been stepped down from leadership and I am back to square one in ministry. I went out with the girl and I broke both her heart and mine. I have lost the respect of my bosses and people that I use to lead at church and some have started to look down at me. All I ever built my identity on has been stripped away. I am a broken man.

So what is this blog about? During church camp last month a person gave me a word saying that God is going to restore you, to rebuild you and make you new. Part of my heart believes it and part of me is so scared about making more mistakes, yet I’m going to trust, I’m going to put my hope in Him. This blog is about a journey; an honest look at my heart, at my failures, at where I really am at and how God is restoring all things.

Why would I reveal the deepest things of my heart on a blog? I guess part of me wants those I care for most, to know my heart, yet another part of me finds solace in sharing my burdens, to be able to speak them out.

~ As broken bones heal stronger, so do broken men ~ Mark Driscoll.