Learning to Endure

I think one of the hardest things about pursuing God is learning to endure. I think in certain times of my life, I have endured very well and other times I have not to my detriment and the detriment of those around me.

One of the things I'm trying to do is be in the word daily, read books that edify my soul and to pray and connect with God.

I've started a lot of random things to try to help that. I've deleted all my games, sports programs, ebay type programs and internet on my phone, so literally all it can do now is use it as a phone and check my bank details.

I have also given my laptop to my pastor in order to ensure that I can keep my heart and purity to the best of my ability.

It is seriously hard, I have gotten quite bored at home, but luckily I can play instruments so that is taking some of my time.

I want to endure, I want to get there, I want to overcome.

It is hard because i'm getting to the stage in my prayer where I feel that I could either make this a habit or really break through and make this a connection with God. So many times i have done the first and come into a habit with prayer without really touching the heart of God. This time I want there to be a difference, this time I want there to be something that is miraculous.

God help me to endure, help me to endure for the right reasons and God help me to love you out of a pure heart.

'Do not grow weary of doing good, for in due time you will reap the reward if you do not lose heart'
Galatians 6:9

The Man I Want To Become

I think part of my blog will be to post things that touch my heart in regards to what type of man I want to be. Last weekend was my good friends wedding and it was truly beautiful. One of the most convicting and challenging things that I saw was a man that had got it right. He had kept his integrity and he had guarded the heart of his now wife.

I know in my relationships that I have not done that. I think the greatest reason for this is the fear that has gripped my heart. It's a fear that as a young man I never realised was there, but as I get older, this fear of losing out, fear of making mistakes, fear of failing has brought about incredible devastation in my life.

I want to be a man that is no longer afraid. I think the only way I can be that man is to be one found in Christ. That doesn't mean praying all the time and reading your bible, but rather, one who's identity and definition is found in the finished works of Jesus.

I almost felt a bit of despair last night, thinking that I wouldn't be able to get there with a girl in future. However my friend pointed out, that this guy who got it right, also got it majorly wrong at the start of his life. He had a marriage that broke down because of his unfaithfulness and insecurities, yet I look at him now, and I can see that God has brought about incredible change.

I guess I want to be a man that is found in God, one that is not defined by his past or his failures, but one that recognizes his deep need for a Saviour and that his identity, who he is, how he defines himself and his success, in Christ.

Starting Over

I remember this time last year. Our church camp had just past and I had preached for the first time and had done an amazing job. God’s presence was there and as a church we had our best camp. I felt like I was on top of the world. Church and ministry was going great, I was progressing in my career and I had a girl that I was interested in and it was looking like something good was going to happen.

I also remember at that time feeling pretty smug. One of my friends who was my leader was taking a break as he was working on some issues and I remember feeling proud and looking down on him. I would never have voiced it, but I thought that I was better than him in so many ways. Proverbs 16:18 says ‘Pride goes before destruction’ and although I had taught numerous times on humility I took no head of the word of God or my own words.

It is now a year later. I have been stepped down from leadership and I am back to square one in ministry. I went out with the girl and I broke both her heart and mine. I have lost the respect of my bosses and people that I use to lead at church and some have started to look down at me. All I ever built my identity on has been stripped away. I am a broken man.

So what is this blog about? During church camp last month a person gave me a word saying that God is going to restore you, to rebuild you and make you new. Part of my heart believes it and part of me is so scared about making more mistakes, yet I’m going to trust, I’m going to put my hope in Him. This blog is about a journey; an honest look at my heart, at my failures, at where I really am at and how God is restoring all things.

Why would I reveal the deepest things of my heart on a blog? I guess part of me wants those I care for most, to know my heart, yet another part of me finds solace in sharing my burdens, to be able to speak them out.

~ As broken bones heal stronger, so do broken men ~ Mark Driscoll.